The idea for this came to me when I was having one of those mornings when nothing that I needed was where I left it the day before. The little goblins of the night who constantly frolic around whilst I am in the arms of Morpheus are mischievous little critters and take a delight in rearranging everything. This brings into sharp focus the fact that there are forces at work which we really cannot explain - including the significance of the day and time when we arrive on this planet.
It was relatively early in my childhood that I became aware of the 12th of March as being a very special day. It was an occasion for unbridled celebration. I would receive cards and gifts from members of my immediate family special treats like extra sugar on my Yorkshire pudding and a cake with lighted candles which I had to blow out after making a silent wish that Adolph Hitler would be attacked and eaten by his dog.
It was a day where I was placed center stage and could bask in the glory of being able to get away with whatever my favorite mischief happened to be at that time. The thought did cross my mind that since my long-suffering parents were the ones responsible for my existence and had so far managed to clothe and feed me, they should be the ones to reap whatever rewards were floating around, certainly not me, but it was my birthday, so who was I to turn down all the perks? Tomorrow it would be someone else's turn.
It further dawned on me that this went on for all three hundred and sixty five days of the year. It is always someone’s birthday. Sometimes several people at the same time. So Christmas comes everyday. Wow what a treat!
It was when our next door neighbor Mrs. Taylor came over on the occasion of my sixth birthday and saw me drawing in my sketch book. “Oh, look at him! The little artist. He’s a real Pisces, isn’t he?”
I thought that this was a chastisement. Was being a Pisces some sort of exotic insult? Was she calling me a fish? Later I realized the significance of this remark and that the time and day of the year when you are born has an unaccountable bearing on our personality and the way that we behave.
This can be a little bit worrisome, but fear not! I am going to put your mind at ease and you will feel much better after reading this and go to work with a lighter step, whistling a happy tune.
The subject for today is Strology, a distant cousin of Astrology but without the ‘A’ and a simplified, if somewhat brutally honest version of what has become an intricate convoluted system of monumental geometric and arithmetical proportions over the vast eons of our time on earth.
Mankind has perpetually strived to find a reason for his existence and the astrological ruminations, for a large portion of the human race, have been their guiding light.
Even in this age of enlightenment, for the want of a better word, every newspaper, magazine or periodical will supply a section of astrological readings for everyone. Even the most jaded of us will sneak a quick glance at the column just to make sure that we have not been left out and that it is safe to embark on our day with confidence that everything will go according to plan.
The rather vague and annoying relationships between astronomical phenomena and human existence can be deciphered using ‘horoscopes’. This system involves geometry, arithmetic, the positions of the sun, moon, various constellations, and liberal use of mind-altering drugs. Horoscopes can predict the future and the likelihood of getting laid on any given evening.
Frankly I have not the faintest idea how Strologers arrive at their various predictions (or ‘Strol’, as it were), but there we are; it’s either that or the ‘weigi board’!
Now, I have no problem in freely admitting that the Sun has a substantial influence on our lives. The Sun, without any help from us, ensures that life on this planet continues on a predetermined course regardless of what we might or might not do. Likewise the moon celebrates a random influence the planet, influencing the tides and making the sea go berserk. (I have to admit to disappointment when the Lunar exploration returned home with nothing even remotely resembling cheese. It was a brush with reality which I could have well done without.) However, the idea that a heavenly body spinning around several billion light years away in the vast expanse of space can have a bearing on the kind of day I am going to have is a bit over the top as far as I can see. Blind acceptance is difficult to embrace, as, to paraphrase Peter Ustinov, a sure sign of insanity is the inability to entertain doubt. Still, there is no harm in giving it a casual glance now and again.
So for those among you who want to get an idea of how this works and what to expect, follow me closely as I reveal the ‘Stars in your Dumpster’, a layman's guide to Strology.
Albert Aqualung Emptying His Chamber Pot
January 20th - February 18th
Albert Aqualung is a man who defies convention, resents authority, and walks backwards and spits a lot. His emotions scare the living crap out of him and he was never toilet-trained as you can see from the illustration on the left. More than anything else, Albert wants to have a mission in life, see things from a different point of view, and generally be an all-around pain in the ass. If you were born under the sign of Albert, all I can tell you is, pretend you weren’t!
Timothy Twofish: Which Way is Up?
February 18th - March 20th
Timothy Twofish relates to the world by wearing a snorkel and flippers. This can become rather hazardous when trying to cross a busy intersection. Timothy is gregarious, without knowing what that means; philanthropic, which he trips over all the time; and unable to keep a straight course for more than a day. Those of you born under this sign had better come to terms with the fact that you are swimming in two directions at once and this can only lead to a boring condition known as schizophrenia.
Gisella Ramsbottom: Are You Talking to Me?
March 20th - April 19th
Ramsbottoms are pioneers and major innovators. Like the ram, they get pissed off at croissants. When they see what they are in for, most people turn and flee. They see what they want but can never quite remember how to get it. They throw hissy-fits when asked to explain themselves for the simple reason that they haven’t the faintest idea who they are or why, but regardless, they will persevere until their teeth fall out. Those born under this sign shouldn’t let their horns get in the way!
Bertha Bullfeathers: From Behind the Curtain
April 19th - May 20th
Bertha Bullfeathers has been grounded for the last four thousand years - and she has mail. Unlike Ramsbottom, who cannot stand losing, Bertha is a lot more interested in the game, which she has been on for a considerable length of time. Most Bullfeatherers are deeply passionate yet somewhat shy but passive-aggressive when push comes to shove. They love good fine food, passable wine, art with a small ‘a’, incomprehensible rap music, a happy home, and furniture. Those born under this sign should wear clean underwear and have regular checkups.
Ben and Jerry Meyer, of whom it has been said.
May 20th - June 21st
This quick-witted, clever and hysterically funny team just can’t shut up. They blither along regardless and always have too much to do and not the faintest idea of how to do it. They are interested in almost everything provided they are being well paid. When life becomes boring for Ben and Jerry, they dance around naked singing “Why Don’t We Do It in the Road?” This is often misinterpreted as going off on a tangent. If you are this sign, best to take the bus.
I Am A Lobster, So Kiss My Ass.
June 21st - July 22nd
Decorum dictates that we replace ugly bottomfeeders with the more wholesome image of another crustacean of impeccable character, Loopy Lobster. Loopy is mysterious, ever-changing, and does not suffer crabs gladly. Lobster is a watery sign and his gift of shrewdness with money goes well with a butter sauce served cold. If you were born under this sign, you should have your exoskeleton serviced once every three months.
Liliana Lion: Hello, Sailor!
July 22nd - August 22nd
Young lions are rambunctious, enthusiastic, and will eat your head as leave as look at you. There is nothing worse than being born under this sign. It is highly likely that you will spend most of your life in jail. Lilianian relationships tend to be larger than life and twice as different. You have high hopes that you will win the lottery even though you are too cheap to buy a ticket. Your bark is worse than your bite and your bite is a lot worse than your runny nose. If you were born under this sign, be sure to carry tissues.
Virgin Mary had a baby boy.
August 22nd - September 22nd
Mary has an obsessive compulsive disorder. She tends to go through life straightening everything and then takes great pains to explain why everything is crooked, but she can always be counted on to be brutally judgmental. Methodical, practical, and a complete pain in the ass, she is detailed to the point of nausea. She regards branches on trees as a challenge. Fortunately, there are several types of medication that can modify what is basically the behavior of a prospective inmate at a local asylum. Anyone encountering Mary should lock up their trees, plants and vegetables and notify the authorities.
Weighed in the Balance and Found Wilting.
September 22nd - October 23rd
Libras have scales, usually before their eyes, but on rare occasions, they are to be found on the rest of their bodies. They have an inclination towards refinement, peace, harmony and understanding - and if you believe any of that, I’ve got a bridge I’ll sell you. These ambitious, grab-all yahoos can affect an amiable and agreeable disposition, but beware: they’ll take you for a ride and smile all the way. What you’ll find is that they never wear matching socks and tend to stammer. A committed union is their sole purpose in life and they won’t rest until the scales disappear. If you’re a Libra, head lice can be a real problem.
I’m an Insect - Get Over It!
October 23rd - November 21st
Scorpios hate lavender. Your view of the world is though the sting in your tail. You have an insurmountable curiosity and you are constantly asking really stupid questions for which there is no answer, but you knew that anyway, which is why you asked the question. Strong-willed, determined, and badly in need of a shower, you go through life smelling, using anti-Lavender aftershave, and meddling in other people’s affairs, in the hope that they will consider you loyal and ardent. Unfortunately, you come across as someone who was dropped at birth. If you were born under this sign, you’ve got to make the best of a bad job.
Another String to Your Bow
November 22nd - December 21st
You’ve enjoyed a great deal of success, living up a tree wearing green tights and shooting innocent wood pigeons. You exude an air of enthusiasm, you have an inquiring hand that is usually up to no good. You’re equally at home in a tree, a landfill, or the ass-end of nowhere. In fact, the ass-end of nowhere is heavenly to you and you always maintain that the journey is more important than the destination - except if the destination is a really good party. Those born under this sign should refrain from cross-dressing.
Gimpy Gobsmacked Goatman
December 21st - January 30th
‘Goatees’, as they are known, are usually born with several deformities: three legs as opposed to four, three eyes as opposed to two, and appendages sticking out left, right and center. You do not want to get in the way of one of these. Wearing hobnail boots they can navigate the steepest mountain, eat anything uncooked, and the only time they smile is when they have ulcers. Generally speaking, people under this sign tend to sit around a lot waiting for something to happen, and are willing to wait for an eternity, hence the fact that they become bankers, executives, and people of high position. People born under this sign tend to say, “Not now, Delilah, I’m on the phone with Lord Dingleberry.”